If you’re a Cubs fan, turn away. I’m not the type of guy to say, “Let bygones be bygones.” I don’t like the Cubs. I’m a Cardinals fan. To root for the Cubs is to borrow a phrase from the Hillary Clinton camp: “…deplorable and irredeemable.” Go Indians. Cleveland is always in need of a little love, and I’m just the guy to give it to them.
Why mess up being a perennial loser? The Boston Red Sox messed it up a few years back. Their gravitas as a loser has been destroyed. The allure of rooting for the underdog has been diminished by their winning ways. The Cubs should keep losing so as to not destroy their position as a doormat. The sequel to most movies is a complete disappointment. To win the World Series ruins a century-plus story of failure. We honor those who achieve number one in their class, but remember, somebody has to be last in the class, too. The Cubs are just so good at it — being last in their class. Don’t ruin it now.
How long has it been since they appeared in a World Series? Forty summer and winter Olympics have been contested. Sixteen different presidents have been elected. And 11 amendments to the constitution have been added. There was not yet commercial air flight, and O’Hare Airport was decades away from being built. Lake Michigan was a pond. (That last one I made up just for effect.)
What have the Cardinals done since the last appearance by the Cubs in a World Series? Well, my Cardinals (oh, how I love them so) have been to the Fall Classic 19 times and won 11 world championships.
Yes, I’m gloating. With a storied history of success comes the right to pound one’s chest. Therein lies my real problem as to why I can’t possibly root for the Cubs in this year’s Series — their fans will be insufferable.
They will compartmentalize this season and forget all of their past, allowing them license to speak in terms on equal footing with my Cardinals — or so they think. Yes, they will. Drawing parallels to my beloved Cardinals will be like nails on a chalkboard. That kind of blind spot to reality will make me angry and queasy on equal levels.
They already think their pizza is the best. They had Oprah, Al Capone and a really, really big fire. That’s enough notoriety.
The modern zipper (as we know it) was invented in 1913 — five years after the Cubs last appeared in a World Series. By definition, a zipper is a fastener — it holds things together, like a person’s lips from moving. Synonyms for zipper include: gag, knot, rope, strap and yoke. Yep, any of those will do for the overzealous, insufferable Cubs fans who will carry on with their nauseating blather about this year’s team. Zip it.
Go Indians. Please. For the sake of us all.